Sunday, July 10, 2011

Disappointments and Challenges

Where shall I start, with the disappointments or with the challenges?  Mmph, if that's not a loaded question I don't know what is...  Yes that is the tone of frustration, discouragements and just down right funkiness!  Now is your chance to run far far away, or you can join me in today's blogging adventure.  Ack, hold on I have got to find the mute button for the children, they are being so loud right now, that they are interfering with the minimal brainwaves I have left right now...BRB.  AGH, I don't mean to be Grumpy from, "Snow White" but really I can only take so much of the noise.  It's wild, crazy, screaming animal like noises and it's at an incredibly HIGH decibel!  So, now the noise level is a bit more tolerable, I can still here them giggling while they are watching, "Annie" in their room (the two little ones)...I love that sound.  Right now though my shoulder/neck hurt and I'm moody because of dumb, but AAARRGGHH, I was finally starting to get into a regular routine with working out...and ROAD BLOCK!  I know it'll go away and work out, but I've struggled for months (and I mean months) with getting myself back into a routine to workout.  Just me being a pouty pessimistic brat, and this to shall pass, but I have had so many days where I feel like I'm at the end of my ropes with this deployment thing.  Where I've doubted my ability to direct my way through another year long tour (we are just going  to disregard the two months of training prior to the 12 he is actually in country).  Let's see we have four kids to take care of and chauffeur to and from school and varies extra-curricular actives, I have to get the house on the market November/December time frame, take care of the animals, take care of myself, keep the house in with the millions of the kids' emotions about daddy being gone and my grandpa is sick, grandma is hanging in there with her own health issues and I am falling apart at the darn seams!!  Getting to Boot Camp and getting out there and getting my run back on feels like the only time I can just block all that stuff (and anything else I may have forgotten or omitted) out.  When I do not workout, I have a harder time keeping my eating in line...and when I hurt/ache and feel in general like poo that makes me just want to go nutso too!  Getting older and out of shape SUCKS, if I had just not fallen off the wagon when J left for Iraq, then just maybe I wouldn't be where I am now (physically speaking because there's not much else I would change with where I am right now)  Wow, I'm totally rambling right now...mmm, LOL!  Well, ok let's see if I can't turn this around....if your still with me that is, LOL!

So, tomorrow starts another challenge for that is positive and will strengthen my relationship with God...and hopefully dilute the crazy women in me who rambled on above!  :o)  Tomorrow I start the 90 Day Bible Challenge, this means that I will read the entire Bible from cover to cover in 90 days, I have tried this on my own a few times as a teen, but never was successful.  I joined this online group that does this challenge together with mentors and such, so I've been praying for success this go around.  I'm excited about this as you may have read in previous blogging, that I've had my own personal struggles with my faith and this past year went through M.O.M.S at church (ministry of moms sharing) and from that I've grown so much spiritually, but I know I still have a ways to go.

Well, now I've totally lost my train of thought...frazzled much, LOL!  These are the days that being a military family has it's downfalls.  I would love to have my husband home right now to give me a hug, or at least have my mom, dad, sister and grandparents closer to me, somewhere to go and get that reassuring hug and clear my head.  Then I wouldn't have to ramble on or rant and rave here, LOL!!

Anyway, feeling a little bit better now...maybe some more Biofreeze, Motrin and let's see if I can get some ZZzz's tonight.  Throw in a few prayers and who knows maybe I'll wake up good as new tomorrow, so I can wake up to my favorite part of the day...


Monday, June 27, 2011

Deployment Goals

So, wow I've not posted since April, my how the time has slipped away from me.  All kinds of things going in the three ring circus called, "my life"...of course if you expected anything but chaos then you obviously are not a parent of four children, LOL!

School is out for the summer, they go back in like 47 days or something like that, but hey whose counting (Me!).  Seriously though they've been pretty good, I think out of all the time they have been off thus far (since June 3rd),  they've only wanted to kill each other about four days, LOL!  Thus far, no one has successfully carried out their mission and all four still reside in the same house.  I haven't tried to put any of them in a box to ship them to daddy or some other distant relative, although I think I've come close a few times, however, bedtime in the evening always seems to save them from being mailed out, LOL!  Something about how sweet and innocent they look when they are sleeping, their biggest weapon, LOL!  We have made it almost three months into this 14 month deployment, although we did a get a two week visit in there which was a pleasant surprise.  The only downside to the two week visit is now we are trying to find our groove again, but we'll manage, we always do.  It's never easy, but really what in life is ever easy that is really worth having/fighting for.  Thus far, our summer has been crazy with Boy Scout camp, the 13 year birthday party planing and shindig and the much anticipated dance recital...that doesn't sound like a lot, but for 24 days it felt like pure insanity at times.

I've been thinking that I need to make a list and set some goals to finish while the hubby is deployed, I think if I set up some goals, I will keep busy and make the time go by faster, as well as have accomplished a few things I've been wanting to do.  I'll admit it right here and now, most of them center around me and are for me, so yes, I'm going to be a little bit selfish.  However, if I firmly believe that setting up my own personal goals will make a better/happier person, mother and really everyone wins.  I am always the first to offer to help/ say yes to someone who asks for help, which will not change, because that is just who I am.  The only problem with this is I will start something for myself, and it will go onto the shelf where it will collect dust till I find time to get back to it or back to myself.  If there is anything I've learned it is that there is no one else who can make you truly happy with yourself than you.  Others will try and they may succeed in making you feel happy on the outside, but really on the inside, only you can make yourself truly happy.  I think one of the biggest goals I have for myself is to get back into the shape I was in three years ago, that was the best shape I have ever been in my life and I truly was happy with myself both inside and out.  I knew there was a reason I kept those size two jeans in my closet, LOL!  Of course this is not going to come easy as I have let myself get a bit out of control at times, but like I said anything that is truly worth it, is never easy.  I've already started working on this goal, by joining a boot camp class, that I attend Monday, Wednesday and Friday mornings...on at least three of the other days in the week I am trying to get some form of cardio in and keep the momentum going.  It seems like over the past two years, every time I try and get back on track, I will start good and have a few really kick butt workouts and then something will come up and I will stop for that week.  Then a week or two later I'll try again and have one or two good's just been an evil cycle, that I am now trying to break.  Obviously, with this comes eating better, now we do not eat horribly, however I do have my weaknesses that I need to reign back into control.  So as for eating, I am trying to get myself back on the, "Body For Life" mindset...clean and healthy eating six days a week and allowing myself to eat what I want one day a week.  It really worked for me in the past, so I just have to get back on the ball with it.  I already know my husband is going to come home all buff and looking good...and if anything like last time, looking younger.  I just want to be in shape and healthy again, what I told him was this, "I know you think I'm sexy and beautiful, however,  I want to feel sexy and beautiful and comfortable in my own skin again"  I hate how I feel right now,  I hate clothes shopping, and I'm tired of feeling this way.  It's time to take care of this body that God has graced me with.

Something else that I have been wanting to do for a long time, is find my place in my church community.  Well after some soul searching and a lot of praying, I believe my gift that God has given me is my love of helping others.  I'm excited to say that next Thursday (the first Thursday of the month) I will finally be able to attend my first meeting of the church Outreach Ministry.  I've told the kids that we were going to start helping out at local soup kitchen probably once a month, so my next step is to find where and how we can do this.  I want me children to know how important it is to help others, I want them to feel the pride in knowing that they may have just made a difference in someones life, or even just helped that person have a better day.  I would love to somehow be able to work photography into helping others, I have been thinking about (probably for about a year now) getting trained with the organization, Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep (NILMDS) and using my photography to help parents mourn the loss of their newborns.  It is something I truly want to do, my only reservation is the emotional side of it, I am a very sensitive and emotional person, and I am not sure how well I would do to keep my composure.  So, this is something that over the next year I will continue to pray about and let God lead there if it is something he wants me to do.

This summer, I'm also participating in an online group challenge to read the Bible in 90 days.  I have tried a few times to read the Bible on my own, but never finished.  My hopes that doing with a group and having a "sponsor" who am accountable to will help to finish.  I have been reading the girls Bible stories at bedtime since Easter, the Easter Bunny brought them a Bible that breaks down each of the major stories and I think I am enjoying it just as much as they are.  Now the Easter Bunny also brought them a Children's Book on Saints, but mmm that does not make the best bedtime reading.  I started getting questions like, "Mommy why did her daddy kill her?", and honestly was not sure how to answer that to a five and seven year old.

I'm sure my list will grow the more I think and pray about things, but for now these are my major goals to accomplish with Jason is deployed....after all I've got a whole year to come up with more!

Friday, May 13, 2011

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Saturday, April 30, 2011

Been M.I.A

No, the kids have not had me hog tied and in the closet...I am still in charge on the home front (although some days I question this).  It's been a roller coaster of a few weeks, the moods/emotions are high and everyone is happy, but just as quickly as they rise they fall, it only takes a little thing (especially for the little two).  I have been holding onto my faith tightly, I swear that some days God saves my children and my sanity.  I need to get back into listening to my daily devotionals, they always seemed to lift my day, I have an app on my phone, however, they have messed up the devotionals, so I will have to sit and watch them on the computer.  Yes, I know I could read a daily devotionals, but I really enjoy listening to Joyce Meyers' daily podcast.  The kids have been on Spring Break for the past week and a half, so nothing has been "normal" lately...can you say chaotic and crazy around my house!  I do not believe has actually hung off the chandelier, but close enough...hide and seek inside equals one broken frame and a fat lip.  Oh well, what are you going to do, it happens.  Took the older two to see "Soul Surfer" this week during Spring Break and they loved it, of course they had to read the book before I would take them to see it.  One of the only movies that I can think of that the movie lived up to the book and was just as excellent as the book.  Took the younger two to see "Hop" this week, that was cute as well.  So glad that I ate the jelly beans, before I saw the movie and the rabbit poop them out...gross, LOL!  We have not gotten to talk to daddy much since he's been gone, he schedule is crazy and for some reason the reception sucks, and he is at Fort Dix, not even in country yet, but with the crapiness of the reception you would think he was already in country.  He is coming home for a visit the end of May beginning of June and I have very mixed feelings about this.  Of course I am super excited that we will get to spend some time with him again before he goes to the desert, however, I know that is going to leave me with the kids going through the whole daddy leaving stage again...which any military spouse knows, sucks!  Hopefully, it won't it be too bad, at least that is what I am praying for.  I am going to have to find some activities that they enjoy to do this summer...hopefully I can find something other than the pool (I do not like swimming, dislike bathing suits to the utmost).  We just successfully had butterflies from larva stage till today when we released them, we are looking to either do praying mantis or lady bugs next.  That most likely be almost done by the time summer starts, seeing as how I have to order one of them soon before they run out of supply (praying mantis) or it gets too hot to ship the larva (lady bugs).  This is a pretty boring update, not much exciting, I am just working on holding onto my sanity and continue to declutter seven years of life in the house.  Not exactly sure when it's going on the market, I know soon.  How on God's green earth I'm going to be able to keep our house at show condition with four kids, two dogs and a cat is beyond me.  Think I'm strung out and OCD now, just wait...  Well, for some reason today I cannot focus, so I think I'm going to call this a post and sign out.  Have a blessed week!

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Working on our groove...again

So, as of today it has officially been one week of this 14 month solo flight.  It started out OK, but quickly deteriorated towards the end of the week.  My little Angelica has been a handful, even getting in "trouble" at school (nothing big, she hurt someones feelings because she told them she was not going to their birthday) this week.  I am not sure what is up, but I can only contribute it to daddy being gone, nothing else has changed other than that.  By mid-week I was beat and decided that I was going to behave selfishly on Thursday, by making Angel stay all day for stay and play at school.  My plan was to get caught up on the house, but I quickly decided that that was not being selfish, LOL!  I sat and enjoyed my coffee and played on the computer for a little while, chatted on the phone with a friend, curled up in my big chair and read some of my book, took a short nap on the couch, took a nice hot bath and read some that's a "me" day.  I was not totally unproductive, I was swapping laundry in and out of the washing machine and dryer throughout the day.  It felt soo good to have the whole day to myself, the only thing missing was maybe a massage.  Yesterday was a packed day, which was nice because our weekends are the hardest when daddy is gone....however, I'm thinking it may have been a little bit too packed and by the end of the evening I was fried and the kids were soo much FUN! (that last part is of course dripping with sarcasm). Crazy  We came home from Disney on Ice (the younger three and myself) and oh my whiny!!  Got them to take a short least I think they took a short one...mine was a long one.  Did I mention I had to start my day with OUT coffee!!!  So, I was beyond frazzled. Afraid After nap time the kids had cereal and I inhaled two Klondike bars, I do crazy things when I'm over tired, stressed, frazzled, etc.  The Klondike bars are gone, so they are no longer my arch nemesis in the freezer, screaming at me every time I open the door.  What?  They really do scream my name?!?!  Then it was off to Annunciation's school performance of  "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat", which of course was FABULOUS!!  Nina (my oldest) played the part of the Butler and the brother Levy, and she was excellent in her roles ...and NO I'm not at all biased!  Any who...we returned home about 9:30pm from this and boy was I in for some roller coaster emotions from the little two.  I had to have some wine...I said WINE, not WHINE... but they so graciously blessed me with five letter version while I poured myself a glass for the four letter version.  Bedtime brought melt down after melt down after.....can you guess?  Yep, MELTDOWN!!  I honestly was on the verge of my very own meltdown and when mommy melts down its UUUUGGLY!! Dr. Jekyll Mr. Hyde You know that saying when mamma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy...aaahh there is so much truth to that statement.  So today, I cleared the calendar and I hope God can forgive me, that meant no church either (the last one to did not wake up  until almost 10:30) and here I sit in Panera, by myself taking a mental break so I do not harm anyone, LOLOLOL! Meditate

Tomorrow is a new day, and the start of new routines and organization in our lives.  Time to get back on the exercise and weight loss wagon, you know that one I mentioned, oh I don't know, a few months ago.  I've vowed not to get involved with the pointless adult drama that affected me while hubby was gone in Iraq, now I just have to pray the drama and mood swings of the children doesn't take it's toll on me.  I started to listen to my devotionals again on Thursday, that makes a total difference in how my day goes.  I missed the Parish Outreach Committee meeting this past week, I was just so drained, I did not feel like going out.  I am looking forward to getting involved in that, the next meeting is next month, so I have it on my calendar already.  Had our M.O.M.S Celebration Luncheon last weekend, it was so nice to get together with  everyone again, and I cannot wait till the next social we have...although we did talk about meeting at St. Panera's sometime soon.  Well, I've babbled here long enough I have to go get milk and a few other grocery items then go get the kidlets.  Besides, I've lost my concentration here, there is a teenage girl sitting at the table next to me being a total brat to her mom and I'm ready to yank her by her hair and tell her to stop being disrespectful.  GGRR, but this is a rant for another day, LOL!!  Hope you have an amazingly blessed week!  I'll try to add this to my more consistent routine.  MWAH!!

 Dove 2 

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Wow! Been a bit too long!!

I cannot believe it has been this long since my last posting...I really need to keep on top things. Well, let's see a lot has happened since my last blog entry many moons ago, LOL, I'll keep this short (maybe) and try not to boar you with all of the details. I did run the Disney Princess Run a few weeks ago with my favorite peep Christine, we left for Disney on Saturday morning, ran the race on Sunday morning (bright and early)and got home Monday afternoon. We had a BLAST on our little girl's weekend getaway, so much fun...basically just being silly and hanging out. I am so blessed to have a friend like her in my life, she is just one of those people that is always there regardless of what it is. We did not improve our overall finish time over last years, I think we were like three minutes slower, but we ran more this year than last year and we stopped more for pictures this year. As much as we both would have loved to improve our time in this race we decided from the get go this is just one of those races that you run to have a good time (at least for us). As always running through the parks is soo much fun and having our pictures taken with the characters was great...yes we are big kids at heart, nothing wrong with that. Just means with a young heart, we will live longer and happier lives. Wore our tiaras around a bit too, which is great fun because only in Disney can you get away with that AND have people calling you a Princess, LOVE IT!!! Wearing our medals around that evening after the races was great too, because again soo many people there to support and congratulate you, not just the cast and crew of Disney but other runner's and people vacationing. Cannot wait to do the Disney Princess run next, just have to work out the logistics for the kids. I would also LOVE to do the Wine & Dine Half Marathon in the fall with Christine, we will see. I will just have to pray about these runs and see if God can help me find the answers for the children for these runs. Just maybe I can get my 12 year old to train with me and do the Princess run with me, she keeps saying she wants to do a half with me and Lord knows that is the race to do!

Other than my amazing Disney weekend things have been crazy hectic around here, getting the house ready to put on the market this summer and getting the hubby ready for his time in the desert (or rather getting the kids and myself ready for daddy's time in the desert). We have worked out a budget that will hopefully get us out of the mess we are in financially, and I have been doing a lot of praying about it. Although I thought my husband was going to stroke out when I told him I was tithing 10% our income tax return to the church this year. He tried all the bargaining with me that I tried with God when I was praying about this decision, but I know that this is what God wanted me to do. As I told my husband there have been so many times in our marriage that we have said, "wow, God is really looking out for us" or "God has a plan for us and we just need to trust in him that everything will workout for the best in the end". I do realize that the money was earmarked for some part of our debt to get us out of the whole and to help with selling our house in this ever so crappy market, but I believe that bigger and better things are in store for us and that we need to make sacrifices in order for these things to do happen. He is so stressed about everything and just has not yet gotten that he just needs to leave all our worries and stresses with God and pray about it , he will not let us down.

Also, in these past few weeks I have finished my eighth week journey through M.O.M.S and all that we have left is our celebration luncheon, which just so happens to be on the day my hubby leaves. I cannot think of a better group of ladies to spend the afternoon with to ease my mind. This whole experience has been so amazing for me and really has opened me up to my more spiritual side, which I LOVE! I was looking for a way to connect and get closer to God and this was it. I have been saying for years that I want to go through M.O.M.S and God put it out there for me because he knew that this is exactly what I needed at this time in my life. I no longer have the fears that I had with going into another long desert tour. I know that God will get me through if I just continue to keep the faith and pray to him. I am not worried at the possibility of the same nonsense drama that I dealt with the last time he was gone. God has shown me the direction to go to get through it all and the kids and I will do great. I am actually looking forward to sometime to bond with kids again and be a better person than I was the last time. I feel like I am more level headed now, a little less Cybil in the house will be great (and I'm sure my munchkins will appreciate this as well, LOL). I think I was do for a new take on life, a soul-lift if you will and I believe that is what this journey has been for me. I am looking forward to continue to get closer to God and grow to be a better Christian woman and role-model for my children. I am excited to say that I am going to see what gifts God has given me and see how I can help in the church's Outreach Ministry. I think it sounds perfect for me, I LOVE to help people and I cannot think of a better way to start to get outside of my box and my circle of friends. Life has so much to offer if we just can look outside ourselves and step outside of our comfort zones. I am looking forward to exploring the friendships I have made with the women in my M.O.M.S group, they were all so wonderful and such great ladies to spend my Monday nights with. I have started listening to devotionals on my phone every morning, and so far I really enjoy Joyce Meyers' daily podcast. It is amazing how much of a difference in my life meeting with a small group of Christian women one day a week for a few hours has made in my life.

I know there is more I wanted to write, however it is almost 1:00am and my brain is fighting with me to call it a night.

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised -Proverbs 31:30